At this point, it’s not a new year until we’ve seen 30 women climb out of a limousine.
The Bachelor premiered tonight, and while it’s an unusual three-hour episode truly overflowing with content (that is, as of press time, not even over yet), it did not skimp on our favorite ridiculous premiere tradition. So allow us to steal you for a second while we break down the good and the bad of the night’s first impressions, including the first surprise arrival of Hannah Brown.
At the very end of the other arrivals, Hannah arrived in a pretty red dress. The women inside the mansion screamed as if they were being literally murdered.
“Is she competing?!” one of them screamed.
“Is that legal?!” yelled another.
Back in the driveway, Hannah was just there to hand Peter back the wings he gave her when he arrived in his limo so many moons ago.
“When I heard that you were going to be the Bachelor, I had mixed emotions, but I when I stood where you are, you wanted to find your co-pilot, and you gave me something. And I want you to find your person, so I brought these back for you.”
So let’s run down the limo arrival decisions, shall we? For convenience, we separated them into several categories of things they could do or reference when they met Peter for the very first time.
Deandra arrived dressed as a windmill.
Payton arrived just yelling “four times?!”
Jasmine talks about the windmill and the four times in Vietnamese.
Kylie pulls out a long chain of condoms. (“Did you find these in my car console?” Peter quips.)
Victoria F.: “I have a very dry sense of humor, but…that’s about the only thing that is dry…”
Sydney wanted to prove “not every girl from ‘Bama makes bad decisions.”
Hannah Ann hopes Peter has room for another Hannah in his heart.
Eunice, the flight attendant, shows up with angel wings so she can “wing it.”
Jade simply says she is a flight attendant.
Megan, another flight attendant, announces her arrival on a radio.
Tammy pretends to be a TSA agent who has to do a private screening.
Shiann gives him a barf bag in case of nauseating conversations.
Courtney arrives in a tiny “plane,” directed by guys with those orange batons.
Kiarra literally arrived inside a suitcase.
Madison wears a giant paper airplane.
Sarah: “I think my stomach might actually leave my body from all the butterflies that I have.”
Lauren: “If it scares you, do it.”
Victoria P. asks Peter to do a happy dance with her.
Lexi arrives in an old red corvette.
Katrina: “You’re gonna fall in love with my hairless…pussy…cat.”
Jenna brings her emotional support cow named Ashley P. (or a pony, or a “different species,” if you ask some of the other girls)
Savannah blindfolds and handcuffs Peter and kisses him.
Kelley simply exists, because she and Peter have met before.
Alexa says her name.
Avonlea says her name rhymes with “heavenly.”
Natasha says her name, but sort of creepily.
Just a Little List of Things Peter Looks Like
A doll, with his little suit and bowtie
A dime, like a dime fifty
A biscuit, a really hot biscuit, buttery flaky (just wanna lick it all up)
After the limo arrivals, it was time for the cocktail party, complete with woman after woman asking if they can steal Peter away for a second. The best was when Mykenna got upset that her steal didn’t work, so she threw a paper airplane at Peter and Natasha. To get her back, Natasha threw a much bigger paper airplane at Peter and Mykenna, and it was a 10/10 visual.
There was also the moment where Victoria F. tried to remind Peter of her dirty joke (about how she’s not dry), and he had fully forgotten what she had said, meaning she had to repeat the whole awkward thing over again and remind him how funny he once found her joke. She cried afterwards, and honestly we would do the same, out of embarrassment.
It was ‘Bama girl Hannah Ann who ended up getting the first impression rose (after stealing Peter away at least three times), but we can’t say we’re rooting for her at this point after watching how she handled Shiann’s attempt to tell her she was taking too much time. Shiann’s falling into a trap that has tripped up many a Bachelor contestant, but few have responded like Hannah Ann, in such a voice that you can’t exactly say she’s lying, but you definitely don’t trust her.
“Make a run for it, girl!” Hannah Ann said, pointing vaguely in the direction of Peter, using a phrase that actually means “escape!” in a way that made it sound as if she was a romcom best friend saying “go get your man!” We see you, Hannah Ann, and we do not like you. Make a run for it, Peter!
Finally it was time for the rose ceremony, where Peter said goodbye to a full eight of the women, and this premiere is only half over! (Keep track of all the remaining women here.)
Before we bid adieu until later (when there’s a WHOLE LOT TO TALK ABOUT), we must discuss this odd warning from the very beginning of the episode, which featured a flashforward to Peter and Chris Harrison in the desert.
“Before you do what you’re about to do, there is something you should know. There’s something I just found out, all of us just found out. I’m not sure how all this ends, so I just wanted to give you a heads up,” Chris says.
Knowing this show, it will take the entire 10 weeks to find out what that’s about, but you’ve got us, show. We’re in, as usual.
(We’ll be back in a couple of hours.)
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
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